Butthurt: Recognizing the Symptoms

To be butthurt is to be beyond consolation, beyond reason, beyond the boundaries of all polite society. It is a state of self-exile, a prison of one's own mind. Some people are born butthurt. Others only exhibit the symptoms after enduring years of pop-culture assfuckery. Though few will admit it, most enjoy being butthurt on some sick, masochistic level. Like alcoholics and vegans, they don't want to be cured, they just want to drag you down to their bullshit level. While there is no definitive cure for butthurt, its victims will often salve their wounded anuses with the rare works of literature, cinema, music, and beer that they actually find tolerable. Now you might say: "This is all quite philosophical and intriguing Augustine, but what does it mean?" To which I would answer: "Why don't you stop flapping your greasy fucking gums for five seconds you mongoloid retard, and I'll spoon feed it to you! I mean GODDAMN! You are an impatient cunt! Why did you even bother reading this blog if you're going to stop halfway through and spray your retardation at me like cognitive diarrhea? Right now, I don't even feel like finishing this, I just want to shove your inquisitive ass out of a moving car!"

So, to further elucidate the concept of butthurt, I'll refer to a definition from the Encyclopedia Dramatica:

Butthurt [butte-hurr-tuh)] is that special feeling in your ass after it's been kicked and/or fucked. It is a common ailment amongst losers on the internet. It is usually characterized by noisy whining and complaining after being pwnt or otherwise outdone in any minute and insignificant way. It was invented at least 100 years ago by Vlad the Impaler when he went crazy from living in a time without the internets. Today, butthurt occurs most commonly when you fall asleep with your friends and they, being your friends, decide it would be funny to sodomize you. Butthurt is also a primary generator of lulz on the internets and has produced many lolcows. 

I am extremely butthurt about this definition. It bypasses the deeper cultural meaning of butthurt in favor of juvenile homophobia. What gaywad wrote this?

Basically, to be butthurt is to be disappointed and angered to an unreasonable level over the quality of anything deemed worthy of our national attention. For example, while 3-D film a burgeoning trend, it is also a controversial one, and many people still prefer watching movies the old-fashioned way. But when a person decides to boycott everything 3-D, to post angrily about the degradation of cinema on various internet forums, and devote all of their time and resources to tracking down James Cameron and teabagging him into a coma, then they have crossed a line into the treacherous realm of butthurt.

The key to surviving butthurt is self-awareness. If you recognize the butthurt within yourself, you can learn to enjoy it, to wallow in it with self-indulgent pride. You might even find like-minded individuals who share your butthurt, and thus you can form your own Butthurt Squad (although don't use that term, it's copyrighted you thieving bastard) and set out to educate the docile masses in the error of their ways. Embrace the butthurt, and it will embrace you.

 You said it, Palps.

So, to kick this blog off, I'll tell you about something that's left me particularly butthurt as of late: The Yahoo! main page. It's sending our national average IQ into a fucking nosedive. Everybody just reads the first few highlighted topics and considers themselves an informed member of society. In the meantime, rats and other vermin are skullfucking the mouldering corpse of journalism. This wouldn't even be so bad if they offered comprehensive coverage of world events, but most of their "stories" tend to sound like this:

WHOA! LOOK AT THIS FUCKING THING! ISN'T IT GROSS AND STUPID LOOKING? DON'T WORRY, IT LIVES DEEP UNDERWATER, BUT IMAGINE IF THIS WEIRD FUCKER LIVED ON LAND! I MEAN, FUCK!

Or:

HEY, CHECK OUT THIS DRESS THAT SOME RETARDED SKANK FROM A REALITY TV SHOW BOUGHT FOR SOME MASTURBATORY AWARDS CEREMONY! NEVER MIND THE FACT THAT SHE LOOKS LIKE A BACKGROUND DANCER FROM A ZZ TOP MUSIC VIDEO, THIS CHICK IS HOT AND FAMOUS! DON'T YOU WANT TO IMITATE/IMPREGNATE HER????

Oh, and sometimes they'll tell you if somebody died. That's it's main use, really. So when somebody says, "Hey, the OxiClean guy died," instead of saying "Whaaaat?? I loved that guy!" you can say "Yeah, I read about it on Yahoo!News."

Now, to establish the second section of the blog, the ointments for butthurt. These are examples of those rare times when popular culture got it right and produced something that doesn't send me into an anabolic rage. Sometimes, they are things which I consider to be underrated, and thus are a source of butthurt for me because society at large was too retarded to recognize their overwhelming brilliance. If you apply one of these ointments and find your butthurt isn't alleviated, don't fucking tell me about it, because you obviously have no taste and should be euthanized.

OINTMENTS:

FILM: City of Industry (1997) Dir: John Irvin

About four people have ever even seen this fucking movie, and I have no idea why. It is fucking awesome. It contains: Harvey Keitel on a vengeful killing spree, Stephen Dorff being a sneaky bastard, Timothy Hutton with a beard, Lucy Liu's tits, and at least one exploding head. Seeing this movie will make you realize that you are just a big, whiny pussy, and violence is the only answer.

LITERATURE: The Alienist by Caleb Carr

"A book?" you say. "Who the fuck reads books? I mean, have you ever heard of tv? It's like a book that doesn't suck!" Fuck you, this has Teddy Roosevelt hunting a serial killer. Try and find that on the History Channel, you mouth-breathing imbecile.

MUSIC: The Avalanches - Since I Left You

You might say music is a particularly subjective art, and that a song can stir a person's soul for any number of reasons, thereby justifying its existence. I'll say that you need to shut the fuck up and make me a BLT, Sally.

BEER: St. Bernardus Abt 12

Yeah, this isn't anything like Budweiser you classless buffoon. This is from Belgium. It was made by a fucking monk. I guess he let go of that kid's penis for long enough to make an amazing fucking beer, and I have to give him props for that. This is a quadrupel, which is a racist term for someone with one black grandparent. It is dark, slightly sweet, and very strong. If you like good beer, you must try this. If you don't like good beer, you might as well slit your wrists with a broken bottle of Goldschlager, you pathetic piece of shit.

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT LEAVING ME COMMENTS. SERIOUSLY. FUCK OFF WITH YOUR RETARDED COMMENTS. I WILL URINATE ON YOUR CHILDREN.