Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Can I get a little salt with these wounds?

CINNAMON TOAST CUNTS! What the fuck is up with all these hot-ass Hollywood bitches and their hatred for screenwriters? I'm referring to Jessica Alba and Catherine Heigl in particular, although I am sure they are not alone. They recently told the press that screenwriters have been holding them back, ruining their careers with crappy material, and were at best tangentially involved with their success as actors. Alba even said that any actor who's worth his salt will make up his own lines, never sticking to the script.

As I happen to consider myself a writer (and no, this blog doesn't count), I take a  buttload of umbrage at the ignorance of these statements. Screenwriters, having been afflicted with an incurable case of Not-famous, are unable to defend themselves in any meaningful way. We are without exception ugly, depressed, basement-dwelling weirdos who couldn't get laid even if someone stuck a gun in one of our ears and a wet pussy in the other. Every night, while you hot, famous bitches are tooling around in your Bugatti Veyrons and snorting blow off Ashton Kutcher's butt cheeks, we're at home alone, drinking to keep Sammy Suicide locked in his Josef Fritzl-style oubliette. We can only dream of what it must be like to be insanely attractive, wealthy, and socially vibrant people, and we do our best to conjure up these scenarios on paper so that they might be brought to vivid life on and off screen by ungrateful sluts like you.

MUST...SUPPRESS...ANGER-BONER!
And while I understand that you are busy people -- there are so many opportunities out there for you to receive free drugs and hot, worshipful sex -- next time a script comes across your desk, don't just hand it off to one of your indentured servants, crack the fucking thing open and take a look at all the hard work that was put into it. The script doesn't start and end with your lines, sweetheart. An entire narrative world had to be crafted so that you and your luscious titties could flounce onto the screen and give us your best rendition of 'pained regret' or 'carefree laughter.' Think about that next the time you're marshaling all of your talents to try and convince us that you find Ryan Reynolds' witty and self-effacing jet fighter pilot attractive.

That's better.

32 comments:

  1. Nice rant, your rage is awesome.

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  2. yea that was an ignorant statement by her. In a good to great movie all the writing is normally on point.

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  3. ahaha man I like your writing style, very sarcastic and funny. but alba is sooo friggin hot how can any red-blooded male hate her? lol

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  4. You can't go against the writers. It's their project, not the actress's.

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  5. I'd be more offended if either of them had any talent.

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  6. ur rage fuels my entertainment :P

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  7. It's sad because so much hard work is put into making a movie or a television show but actors get all the credits. I find it particularly annoying when people say, for example, like "Jessica Alba's movie." It's not her movie, she just happens to be in it. Or when they're on a talk show, "tell us about your new movie!"

    But, granted, you need actors to make a movie. You need everybody. Actors can't write and writers can't act, so they need each other.

    THE TASTE YOU CAN SEE

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  8. She should watch her tone. Don't bite the hand that feeds.

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  9. Heigel makes me rage hardcore. She bashed on Judd Apatow for being sexist in Knocked up even though she more or less ad libbed most of her lines so if the female characters came off as negative it's her own damn fault. As for Alba...she's just dumb.

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  10. Wow what a bunch of bitches, it's their shitty acting ability that is holding them back.

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  11. can i just say, you are my favorite pissed-off blogger since Maddox. Also jessica alba is way too damn hot

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  12. While making up lines may be an option I'd love to see the actors write the entire stories, damn

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  13. Hollywood rage, I hate the whole element.

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  14. Best rant I have ever read XD Made me laugh a few times :D

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  15. yes actors are the most anoying after politicians of coarse.

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  16. Stuck up Hollywood actresses. Bet they expect a good script to also wipe their ass for them.

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  17. That was one of the most inspiring rants I have ever read man.

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  18. Dude, your post touched my heart, Now I'm as asspained as you are.

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  19. haha nice post!

    http://all-around-toto.blogspot.com/

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  20. They should put their money where their mouth is. Take up a small independent film. Then when its time to do press for that film.... actually try and sell the film by talking about its quality,and the work involved in making it. Instead of talking about their, new shoes, or the long first class plane trips they have to endure.

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  21. I like the rants, and the 100 list, keep it up im following

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  22. Even though she's a bitch, there's no denying that she's fuckin hot!

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  23. I really like your writing style, the way you express your opinion is great

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  24. hahaha followed man, you are awesome

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  25. I didn't fought that she was stupid to say that actor has to make up his own lines. Maybe i'm wrong i've never done any movie how should i know :D

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