We've got the inevitable slate of superhero movies, only this summer's crop is more like the TURBO RETARD EDITION. In years past, a very select few of these "crowd-pleasing" adventure, romance, sci-fi, one size fits all, edgy for a PG-13 rating, cgi coated abortions have actually surprised me. They managed to rise above the utterly cynical process that created them and become decent movies with the unfortunate handicap of portraying superheroes. But 2011 isn't offering any Dark Knights. Hell, they'll be lucky to pull off a Ghost Rider. I'm serious, it's that bad. There's The Green Lantern, with Ryan Reynolds unashamedly wanking all over himself in a cartoon suit, and a supporting cast of aliens that look like the Mass Effect crew with fetal alcohol syndrome. Peter Sarsgaard is also in it, the poor bastard. This cat has been turning in great performances for the better part of a decade, and it doesn't seem like anyone could give less of a fuck about him. Seriously, I've never seen Hollywood put more effort into ignoring an actor. So yeah, he's playing a bad guy with a huge latex application stuck on his head. Might as well give him a bottle of whiskey and a revolver and take bets on how quickly he'll blow his fucking brains out.
|Hasn't he been through enough?|
|Seriously, what could go wrong?|
In not-quite-related matters, there's the desperate mash-up Cowboys Vs. Aliens, in which amnesiac cowhand Daniel Craig shoots down UFOs with a plastic bracelet. The sad fact remains that this is the most promising summer blockbuster of the year, but I will probably commit seppuku before it hits theaters.
We're also getting more Pirates of the Carribean, more Hangover, more X-Men, more Sherlock Holmes, more Transformers, more Final Destination, more Muppets, more Mission Impossible, more Scream, more Kung-Fu fucking Panda. Seriously, do Hollywood execs break out in hives when they get near new ideas? Pixar's even doing a sequel to their worst fucking movie, Cars. The one studio we could count on to at least make something heartfelt and intelligent decided to go round two with Larry the Cable Guy. Fuck. My. Life.
So yeah, I don't even know what to say, Hollywood, except that you've outdone yourselves.
GO ON, LEAVE ME A COMMENT. I'LL LEAVE YOU IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN BLOOD.