2011: The Year Hollywood Went Full Retard

2010 was a shitty fucking year for movies, I think we can all agree. Probably the worse in a decade. Think I'm butthurt about that? Well you'd be dead fucking wrong, because I've got bigger fish to fry. 2011 is about to make it look like a combination of 1999 and 1939. What the fuck does that mean, you ask? It means going to the movies in 2011 is going to be about as much fun as stapling your testicles.

We've got the inevitable slate of superhero movies, only this summer's crop is more like the TURBO RETARD EDITION. In years past, a very select few of these "crowd-pleasing" adventure, romance, sci-fi, one size fits all, edgy for a PG-13 rating, cgi coated abortions have actually surprised me. They managed to rise above the utterly cynical process that created them and become decent movies with the unfortunate handicap of portraying superheroes. But 2011 isn't offering any Dark Knights. Hell, they'll be lucky to pull off a Ghost Rider. I'm serious, it's that bad. There's The Green Lantern, with Ryan Reynolds unashamedly wanking all over himself in a cartoon suit, and a supporting cast of aliens that look like the Mass Effect crew with fetal alcohol syndrome. Peter Sarsgaard is also in it, the poor bastard. This cat has been turning in great performances for the better part of a decade, and it doesn't seem like anyone could give less of a fuck about him. Seriously, I've never seen Hollywood put more effort into ignoring an actor. So yeah, he's playing a bad guy with a huge latex application stuck on his head. Might as well give him a bottle of whiskey and a revolver and take bets on how quickly he'll blow his fucking brains out.

Hasn't he been through enough?

Also, there's Thor, which I'm particularly butthurt about, because here you've got a great Silver Age character who recently experienced a creative renaissance, but one who certainly needs to be handled with an intelligent, measured approach. Enter Kenneth fucking Branaugh. Subtle is not in his vocabulary. He doesn't think you'll understand something as simple and iconic as Frankenstein unless he includes explosions, k-y wrestling matches, abortions, and a Mortal Kombat-style heart removal. Combine his 'reckless child' approach to directing with 3-D glasses and way too much money and well, just watch the fucking trailer. I plan on going to this movie blind drunk and mocking it for the duration.

Seriously, what could go wrong?

Then there's Captain America, which was reported to be so heinously uncool that even world-class toolshed Chris Evans wanted nothing to do with it. Apparently, they finally offered him way too much money, because he's starring in the fucking thing.Yeah, that's right, Chris Evans is going to be the leader of The Avengers. Just looking at the production stills made me vomit with rage.

In not-quite-related matters, there's the desperate mash-up Cowboys Vs. Aliens, in which amnesiac cowhand Daniel Craig shoots down UFOs with a plastic bracelet. The sad fact remains that this is the most promising summer blockbuster of the year, but I will probably commit seppuku before it hits theaters.

We're also getting more Pirates of the Carribean, more Hangover, more X-Men, more Sherlock Holmes, more Transformers, more Final Destination, more Muppets, more Mission Impossible, more Scream, more Kung-Fu fucking Panda. Seriously, do Hollywood execs break out in hives when they get near new ideas? Pixar's even doing a sequel to their worst fucking movie, Cars. The one studio we could count on to at least make something heartfelt and intelligent decided to go round two with Larry the Cable Guy. Fuck. My. Life.

So yeah, I don't even know what to say, Hollywood, except that you've outdone yourselves.




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