Thunder in Paradise

With a brand new game out for the Wii, I thought this would be a perfect oppurtunity to talk about two of the most selfish, sadistic, and downright evil protagonists to ever grace a video game: The Kong Brothers, Donkey and Diddy.

He may look friendly, but behind those eyes lurks the mind of a killer

Anyone who was paying attention during the original game (c'mon guys, it only came out seventeen years ago), should immediately understand what I'm talking about. For you poor bastards who had to play a ::cringe:: Genesis growing up, allow me to explicate. The story of Donkey Kong Country revolves around the aforementioned Kong brothers, two lazy celebrities resting on their laurels in a beautiful tropical paradise. All is quite peaceful until their hidden stash of bananas is stolen by an allegedly villainous reptilian race, the Kremlings. In response, these two psychotic douchebags venture out into the world and commit genocide on the people they think are responsible. That's right, somebody stole their fucking bananas, and now, they're not just going to kill him, they're going to kill his whole fucking family and anyone who even vaguely resembles him. They wipe out an entire race and along the way, they're also content to kill any indigenous animal that strays into their path, leaving the jungles barren and empty in a holocaust of rage.

All this over goddamn bananas? There were more bananas stored away in that cave than anyone could possibly eat! They would've spoiled within a few days! Meanwhile, who knows how many animals were starving out there because of their insanely covetous ways. They're kind of like the French Monarchy during the time of the 1789 Revolution, only in this case, Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette disembark from Versailles and personally behead everyone in the fucking country.

And the Kremlings, ok, they look kind of sinister, but they're crocodiles, snakes and lizards, they can't really help that. Most of them are just walking around innocently or toiling away in the mines at the behest of their dictator when the Kongs swoop in and murder them. These poor, mutated bastards don't stand a chance.

Whyyyyy does that reptile have nipples?

This is the lesson we teach to young children? If somebody messes with your stuff, go kill anyone who has the same skin color as fast as you can? Nice message Nintendo, and we thought you were the family friendly video game company.