Friday, February 4, 2011

Q. Whaaaaazzzzzupp?? A. Kill Yourself.

Today's butthurt is sadly brought to you by my absolute favorite thing on this earth: beer. I love beer, and beer has always loved me back, unlike Meredith, but she's sleeping in four places under my rose garden. Yes, beer has never been a lying, two-timing bitch to me, and her myriad styles and variations have kept me endlessly surprised and elated while I waited for the alcohol to complete its transmission to the brain. In many ways, beer has more variety and subtlety to it than wine, and without the insane, eye-gouging prices of vineyards. I don't consider myself a beer snob either, rather I'm a beer slut, equally happy to be holding the finest Belgian quadrupel or the lowliest, lukewarm can of PBR.

I'm sure you were all waiting for the other shoe to drop, and yes, don't worry, I am positively incontinent with hate, all directed at the absolute enemy of beer, the soulless tyrant known as:



Yes, this quintessentially American product, right up there with Coca-Cola and slaves, is actually owned by a Belgian company called InBev. This paragon of American industry now sends its profits overseas, to be divided up among gnomes and leprechauns and other greedy, sub-human European cave dwellers.

Also, Budweiser has long identified itself as the King of Beers. A more accurate subtitle would be the Dictator of Malt Liquors, or maybe just the Prince of Lies. That's right, it's not even a fucking beer. While most beers are barley malt, water and hops, Budweiser is brewed primarily with rice, because -- you guessed it -- it's cheaper. And yet they still have the balls to call it the King of Beers, and perhaps even worse 'The Great American-style lager.' It's a slander against our great country, akin to naming your state dog the sewer rat. Americans are quite capable of making great beers, anything by Sierra Nevada, Southern Tier, Great Divide, or Dogfish head --just to name a few-- is ample proof of that, but when our chief export remains a watered down shitstain of a product that can't even be classified as beer, can you really blame the rest of the beer-drinking world for looking down on us?

So all that is pretty fucking heinous, but it pales it comparison to Budweiser's greatest sin of all: they don't even attempt to make a decent beer on the side and give themselves a shred of credibility. For anyone who loves beer, this is a slap in the face. And not just any slap in the face, it's a cock-slap from a homeless man who hasn't showered since the Reagan administration.

Seriously, with all their fucking money and their multiple theme parks and even their stewardship by those dastardly Belgians -- who know a thing or two about making some quality fucking beer -- you're telling me they can't make one product, one single beer, that doesn't taste like a week-old urine sample? That's just plain cold.






LEAVE SOME GODDAMN COMMENTS IF YOU WANT, I'LL BE WAY TOO DRUNK TO READ THEM.

18 comments:

  1. I laughed at this to the point of choking. Good job.

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  2. I totally forgot about that line! Ha. I'm gonna remind people of that now.

    You're very funny I should mention.

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  3. Bud sucks.

    I don't have much choices where I live, so I just usually drink Steinlager (NZ Beer).

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  4. i am more into Heineken or Guinness but Budweiser is a good American beer. They have great marketing.

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  5. I don't like beer, but I'll drink it if someone else offers, or is buying. Except Budweiser, fuck Budweiser.

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  6. Hilarious post. I like your blog, I'll be following.

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  7. DICTATOR OF MALT LIQUORS. I loved this post. Good shit. I'm stoked on this blog now. Keep the good work up.

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  8. Haha, I wanna get drunk now too!

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  9. Hahaha, so funny. In drinking right now

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  10. Only had beer once in my life. It was Corona to be exact. Tasted like piss, so I have to thank my dad for luring me away from alcohol ever since.

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  11. inBev owns a large share of the beer market in my country. Those guys know where to invest their money.

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  12. Haha nice rant. I like your sense of humor.

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  13. That's very nice, thanks for sharing. :)

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  14. ive always hated the taste of beer

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  15. Budweiser is good, but I prefer "Robert The Bruce Scottish Ale" - Three Floyds Brewing Co. How THAT'S some good stuff.

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  16. Lmfaoo I've always hated beer but I have heard that budweiser SUCKS major camel balls haha

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  17. I love beer too, and I think that budweiser sucks

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