Wednesday, February 2, 2011

2011: The Year Hollywood Went Full Retard

2010 was a shitty fucking year for movies, I think we can all agree. Probably the worse in a decade. Think I'm butthurt about that? Well you'd be dead fucking wrong, because I've got bigger fish to fry. 2011 is about to make it look like a combination of 1999 and 1939. What the fuck does that mean, you ask? It means going to the movies in 2011 is going to be about as much fun as stapling your testicles.

We've got the inevitable slate of superhero movies, only this summer's crop is more like the TURBO RETARD EDITION. In years past, a very select few of these "crowd-pleasing" adventure, romance, sci-fi, one size fits all, edgy for a PG-13 rating, cgi coated abortions have actually surprised me. They managed to rise above the utterly cynical process that created them and become decent movies with the unfortunate handicap of portraying superheroes. But 2011 isn't offering any Dark Knights. Hell, they'll be lucky to pull off a Ghost Rider. I'm serious, it's that bad. There's The Green Lantern, with Ryan Reynolds unashamedly wanking all over himself in a cartoon suit, and a supporting cast of aliens that look like the Mass Effect crew with fetal alcohol syndrome. Peter Sarsgaard is also in it, the poor bastard. This cat has been turning in great performances for the better part of a decade, and it doesn't seem like anyone could give less of a fuck about him. Seriously, I've never seen Hollywood put more effort into ignoring an actor. So yeah, he's playing a bad guy with a huge latex application stuck on his head. Might as well give him a bottle of whiskey and a revolver and take bets on how quickly he'll blow his fucking brains out.

Hasn't he been through enough?
Also, there's Thor, which I'm particularly butthurt about, because here you've got a great Silver Age character who recently experienced a creative renaissance, but one who certainly needs to be handled with an intelligent, measured approach. Enter Kenneth fucking Branaugh. Subtle is not in his vocabulary. He doesn't think you'll understand something as simple and iconic as Frankenstein unless he includes explosions, k-y wrestling matches, abortions, and a Mortal Kombat-style heart removal. Combine his 'reckless child' approach to directing with 3-D glasses and way too much money and well, just watch the fucking trailer. I plan on going to this movie blind drunk and mocking it for the duration.

Seriously, what could go wrong?
Then there's Captain America, which was reported to be so heinously uncool that even world-class toolshed Chris Evans wanted nothing to do with it. Apparently, they finally offered him way too much money, because he's starring in the fucking thing.Yeah, that's right, Chris Evans is going to be the leader of The Avengers. Just looking at the production stills made me vomit with rage.

In not-quite-related matters, there's the desperate mash-up Cowboys Vs. Aliens, in which amnesiac cowhand Daniel Craig shoots down UFOs with a plastic bracelet. The sad fact remains that this is the most promising summer blockbuster of the year, but I will probably commit seppuku before it hits theaters.

We're also getting more Pirates of the Carribean, more Hangover, more X-Men, more Sherlock Holmes, more Transformers, more Final Destination, more Muppets, more Mission Impossible, more Scream, more Kung-Fu fucking Panda. Seriously, do Hollywood execs break out in hives when they get near new ideas? Pixar's even doing a sequel to their worst fucking movie, Cars. The one studio we could count on to at least make something heartfelt and intelligent decided to go round two with Larry the Cable Guy. Fuck. My. Life.

So yeah, I don't even know what to say, Hollywood, except that you've outdone yourselves.




GO ON, LEAVE ME A COMMENT. I'LL LEAVE YOU IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN BLOOD.

25 comments:

  1. Hollywood loves them some sequels. They really know how to milk a brand for all that it's worth.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well im waiting for pirates 4. I dont give a s**t about thor and Kung Fu panda. Sherlock holmes 2 would be good too...

    ReplyDelete
  3. What's really grinding my gears is that Thor is going to use modern English, not olde English like in the comments. WTF! Thanks dude you just gave me an idea on what to rant about next on my blog.

    ReplyDelete
  4. yeah couldn't agree more hollywood has gone crazy with all these reboots and remakes. How the hell are they already rebooting spiderman ffs crazy.

    following and supporting

    http://randomthingsmitch.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  5. So great ! Thor is going to protect us all from the evil. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. 3D glasses really annoy the hell outta me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yep hollywood just ruined the movies for me, I was expecting Thor to be good, now I see that they have ruined it. I already knew that they were going to ruin green lantern too. Oh and can't wait for them to ruin the avengers movie

    ReplyDelete
  8. wtf. not to be too much of a purist, but how is Chris Evans Captain America AND Johnny Storm?!

    like, I'm not opposed to losing some continuity, but that'd be like having toby mcguire come back to play freaking Namor.

    also, worse than stapling your balls...

    to what???

    ReplyDelete
  9. they announced avatar 2 for 2014 =))))
    u mad?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I was looking forward to these movies, now not so much.

    ReplyDelete
  11. it's going to get worse every year. 2010 was especially bad though.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Inception was the only watchable blockbuster, the rest was a big pile of aborted baby crap :(

    ALSO: PLX REMOVE CAPTCHA

    ReplyDelete
  13. I still say they should have cast Triple H as Thor. Really, would it be any worse?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Well im still looking forward to Thor no matter what anyone says..

    But Pirates 4 is gonna take the cake for me :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I love your ranting and yes Hollywood just gone full retard :P

    ReplyDelete
  16. Captain America movie makes me sad. I will sacrifice a goat to the demon lords if it means they wont make that movie.

    ReplyDelete
  17. fuck i hate 3D i mean they take out the quality so they cansee into the movie i mean wtfit just shit and more expensive. James Cameron is a douche for remaking Pocahontas.

    ReplyDelete
  18. They have out done themselves. This is amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  19. yea 2010 really sucked. 3D is cool but not for every single movie.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Don't you dare bad mouth the muppets bro.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hollywood is really retarded these days. Only popcorn movies.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hollywood doesn't make movies based on critical reviews or ratings, they base it on the MONIES. If it made lots of monies, they'll keep churning out sequels until it dries out. The Saw movies are a perfect example. The reviews get worse every movie but people still go to see them so why not print your own money?

    The only people I will defend though is Pixar. Yeah I kind of cringed when I found out they were making a Cars sequel. But they say they only would consider making a sequel if they have a really good story to go with it, and that money doesn't influence it. If it did every one of their movies would have a direct-to-video sequel

    ReplyDelete